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Thursday, September 25, 2008

Hemorrhoids

So my roommate Cindy had a wicked eye infection about a week or two ago and now I have an ear infection that is bringing literal tears to my eyes. We were talking about it in the hall way and my beautiful roomie Melissa said "eye infections, ear infections. What an I gonna get? Hemorrhoids?" I don't think I have laughed so hard since I got here. She told me I was absolutely not allowed to blog about that comment which made it all the more funny. Oh, I love her.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Hooking it on Fremont Street


I had my first truly touristy night in Vegas last night. Zandra and I went down to Fremont Street. I've heard of Fremont but only in reference to prostitution so I have to admit I wasn't as excited as I could have been. It didn't get any better when Zandra gave me the "rules."
1. Do NOT make eye contact with anyone for any reason and
2. if for some reason you do make eye contact... walk away.

We walked around for about two hours. The first thing I want to mention is the multitude of mullets that I saw in that time. No two were the same. Which leads me to a few "rules" of my own. These are for anyone thinking of visiting Fremont Street or any other street for that matter:

1. Always Always Always wear a bra. No one wants to see your cleavage. Especially if its long enough to look like your chest has been split open from your belly button to your chin. Also if your boobs point so far east and west that the in between could be mistaken for the grand canyon a bra is your best friend.

2. This one is more for street performers: Holding one note for ten minutes is not difficult. Especially on a saxophone. Wow you can hold down a button for three minutes. I'm not impressed. I was more impressed when Zandra held the same note in the elevator for six floors. Now that is talent. A little variety please.

3. If you have been drinking it is not a good idea to try the following: Dancing, photography, singing, walking, talking, flirting. Especially not flirting.

4. Do not dress like a whore. There are enough whores in Vegas we don't need your help. It also makes number 1 and number 3 all the more relevant.

5. Bring water and don't wear cheap Wal*Mart flip flops.

Besides all the complete weirdos some pretty funny and entertaining things happened. First of all we parked in a parking garage that had a bridge that went over Ogden Blvd. I wanted to take a picture of Z and I with the neon in the background. As we were doing that a car drove over the bridge and made the whole thing shake. Z started yelling and jumped back. I though she had been hit by the car at first but she told me the spot that she was standing on moved in two directions and she thought the bridge was falling. You probably had to be there for that one but it was hilarious.

We watched a show with those big metal spheres where motorcycles go around and upside down. (Man that was a horrible description but I'm not sure what that thing is called). It was a lot smaller than I thought it was going to be and they had three motorcycles going in there at once. Man if one of them sneezed or blinked at the wrong time they all would have died. That is my aspiration for Vegas now. Everyone here wants to be in a band or make a CD. I want to ride motorcycles in metal cages.

There was a big sign off Fremont that said "wedding information" and pointed off to who knows where. Quick side note: How lame is that? I can't believe that eloping to Vegas is so popular that they have neon signs that lead you in the proper direction. I'm adding that to the list of things you should not do while drunk. Anyways, we walked down a kinda dark alley way which in hindsight wasn't the best idea, when three guys walked up and offered to take our picture so we could both be in it. This is when Zandra broke both rule 1 and 2. She gave them my camera and let them take the picture then instead of walking away she gave them her card and told them to come see her play (she's is a friggin talented violinist) the next day. Then the part that makes me smile, the man looks her in the eye and says "you are so hot" and goes in for the boob grab. Z reacted like a pro and told him "I don't know you!" After they left I reminded her of her own rules and we were on our way.

I saved the most glorious part for last. Towards the end of the street there is a booth where you can have your picture taken with Chip n' Dale dancers. There are no words to explain how hot these men were. I made Z pretend to watch some art show so I could stare at them. Finally I gave up all pretenses and stood there mouth open, drooling, staring at them. It really made me wish I had brought my wallet. I'm totally heading back there on payday! They let you grab their booties when you take a picture with them. Totally worth it.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Camping with Batman


I'm not really in the mood for typing a long blog so here are the highlights that go with these pictures.

Kobe got a Batman mask at Walmart while we were buying camping supplies. He loved it so much he wore it pretty much the whole day. He even fell asleep in the car with it on.

We camped in Morgan in the middle of a cow turd field. We had plans to float the river but the weather had plans to rain. The weather won.

I got to share a tent with Kobe. He was a first time camper and super excited about that fact. When we got in our tent we made shadow puppets with the flashlight until he fell asleep and then I stayed up all night worrying about having our tent blow into the river or having a rogue band of cows attacking the tents in the middle of the night. The morning was beautiful and chilly. A nice change from Vegas where the average temperature at any time of day is 560 degrees.

Labor Day Mayhem

I learned an important lesson over Labor day weekend. As soon as you have gap coverage on your car it becomes indestructible. Which is great if you love your car, is strangely annoying when you hate your car and owe way too much money on it. Every morning I wake up an pray that someone will run into my car (while I'm not in it). So I was in Utah over Labor day weekend driving from Ogden to Salt Lake and I see a car in the far right lane start to swerve erratically and veer way off onto the shoulder. It then over corrected and shot back towards the road. I was bracing myself for immanent death when the car was stopped by a series of traffic cones and a few signs. The signs didn't make it by the way (moment of silence). ... They were propelled into on coming traffic and the car in front of me hit them and veered off to the shoulder. Here comes the amazing part... It was inevitable that I would also hit the signs and the car that had just veered off but somehow I remained perfectly calm and swerved around them like a professional stunt driver and pulled off the road well ahead of the commotion. It was insane. The doucebag driver of the first car ended up being an insanely freaked out young woman with a child and two older ladies with her. A broken windshield was the only consequence of her spaz attack, well and I'm sure a wicked awesome traffic ticket. The car that hit the signs had a pretty bent up and scratched bumper but at least it didn't have another car embedded in the side of it.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Crap! I've been discovered.

Two things recently came to my attention (well a lot of things have come to my attention lately but that is a wemu of a different color).

1. When I changed my profile background it deleted the Kristin's Almanac of random phrases. So disappointing! I'm trying to remember all the the nuggets I had on there. I thought of one just now and then it was gone as quickly as it came. Crap I just realized that all my side bars are gone! Stupid layout changes. I'm not even convinced I like this layout. I should change it now before I put everything back.

2. Patrick found my blog today. So the perception is reality debate has gone techno. How do you (Patrick) have time to be searching the Internet for the blogs of your lowly employees? Did you Google me to see if I was felon? Lucky for you my job hating melodramatic blog days are nearly at an end.

Well I have a few vacation blogs to post but I also have an amazingly powerful brain busting headache. So mom, you'll have to wait a few more days to steal my collage of camping pictures for your screen saver.